the long, long road to me

Welp.. ok..

(apologies in advance.. this is my brain gushing out my journey for what i've done to get to "the place i'm in right now", so it's a long one..)

So throughout my current crisis, i've done a lot of things..
i've sucked it up
i've broken down
i've grasped at straws
i've discovered strength in myself
i've discovered strength from others
i've discovered strength from giving to others
i've noticed "signs"
i've embraced my spirituality

i've been busy..

but there comes a time in everyone's lives where they need to ask for help.. as a man, it's tough.. we're supposed to be the rock.. we're supposed to be stability personified.. we're not supposed to cry, or ask doctors about ED, or whine about our little toe hurting.. or embrace anything that is outside "conventional thinking", religiously or psychologically..

but hells yeah.. there are times when being a man means more about understanding when you do need help and asking for it.. its also about understanding that it doesn't make you weak to seek it... its a recognition that "hey, i don't know everything".. because no one does..

except maybe Buckaroo Banzi, but that's another blog..

so at this deep, dark time in my life, i did.. and what do you know.. it helped.. so here's my story.. maybe it'll encourage you to trust in yourself..

Amanda, (my ex, my soul mate, my "buttercup") at one point in our relationship introduced me to Angel cards.. basically: think Tarot cards, but using encouragement and positivity to get a message through to you from "the powers that be".. (she introduced me to more than that, and really did start me on my path to embracing all forms of spirituality.. its part of the reason i know we'll always, *always* at a minimum, be friends, & why i'll always *always* love/be in love with her... there's a connection there that just hasn't died, even with our break up.. she's my passion, and i'm her rock.. yin/yang..i'm ranting, but i love the girl: what can i say?)

anyhoo.. the idea is that you ask a question, and these cards are a conduit for the spirits/angels who are looking after you to answer it.. they answered a lot of questions for me.. but being "a man" and "sane", i had to ask if it was simply me hearing what i wanted to hear, or if it was real, or if i'd just plane jumped into the deep end of koo-koo land..

so turn to mid October, 2010: i'm at a conference in vancouver with my team, and i am just plain gone.. everyone is asking my boss "whats wrong with dale?".. its noticed, i'm not myself, i'm not enjoying  anything, and all i'm doing is spiraling into a pit of self doubt and for the first time in a long time not really caring about anything else other than how miserable i was.. ("who does depression hurt? *everyone*.. blah.). i talk to my boss: he gets it and basically says: it's up to you, but you should go on short term disability and deal with it.. because really, it was "that bad".. i wasn't myself. for good reason i think.. its tough to truly "understand" someone, and watch them take a path you know they need to take, even though it basically destroys you to have to sit on the bench and watch...

but here's the thing.. i *understand* her.. and i *understand* why things have played out the way they have needed to.. but i had absolutely no clue how to deal with it or what was going to come out of it.

so, not having any clue, i asked my questions, and read my angel cards.. they told me lots of good things, and gave me answers i needed to hear, but i was *really* concerned it was simply me reading into them what i wanted to see.. so i did 2 things.. i asked for guidance (via the cards).. i flipped over 3 cards and one that struck me was "expect a miricle".. mkayy... the other thing i did was ask some friends for recommendations.. i know a few people that go to psychics; tea leaf readers, mediums, etc.. i needed their guidance *mostly* because i was truly afraid of seeing some crackpot scam artist, and not getting what i needed to get from them..

so i do some searching on the net for angel card readings.. i'm truly afraid i'm just reading into my readings on myself "what i want to hear", so i'm thinking "lets talk to someone who does it regularly and ask em some questions".. . i come across a website that has a bunch of different practitioners.. & i'm thinking "looks ok.. lots of variety, should be someone there that can help me".. they have one webpage which is an angel card 'message for the month'.. http://www.ourangelscenter.com/Angel-Messages.html.  the card is "Miracles".. i booked immediately.. signs... "you should see Rosanna" they said.. i'm glad i did..

I also got a recommendation from a friend.. "see this person" she said.. no hesitation. no doubt. (later, i would ask her about how she came to trust Donna, and she said "in a reading, she described someone who was dead, perfectly.. there's no way she could have known, without some sort of 'ability'" she says.. good enough for me, i'm thinking..) Donna kiss; a medium and psychic/intitive: she talks to dead people, they talk back.. http://www.donnakiss.com/ she's amazing, she's funny.. and she's been doing it for over 20 years..

so i book 2 appointments & they end up being on the same day..  October 26, 2010. changed my life.
they told me all sorts of things.. they told me things about me and where they felt i was going.. they dug into my past & told me some specific things: enough to truly say "ok, there's something to this"..

i won't go into detail.. i can't.. it was for me, and i feel a test of my faith in it requires i see where it takes me.. i *will* say that they did confirm a lot of how i felt. they parroted what i was already feeling. and whats more, the 2 of them, seprately, basically said *exactly the same things*.. and 5 months later (2 days from now), a significant amount of what they "felt" has come to pass.. cheers girls! and thank you..

but i will say this: 2011 is going to be epic.. & even though she's going through her own stuff right now, & she's got a lot on her plate, Amanda's going to play a big part in it.. how she helps me in my life, and how i help her in hers... and that makes me confident.. in my future and in just plain in myself.. because one thing i will say i got from the readings is that "she ain't dead".. she's going to be around, and we are always going to be a strong, solid part of each others lives...

and without a doubt, between the 2 of us, there's *nothing* life can throw at us that we can't handle together.. be it as a couple, or as the friends we'll always be.

so, gentle readers: there's something to this. i know there's charlatans out there, but they're offset by your gut. Trust in yourself, and truly believe that everything happens for a reason.. your own intuition *can* be confirmed if you ever have doubts about it... i know, because i went through it.

believe in whatever you like, but over all, believe in yourself & those who truly love you.