Nothing really to talk about tonight.. its just been a while..
i see 13's and 113's everywhere.. maybe hindsight will show this as one more instance where i knew something was happening. But it's not my turn to go. i've been tested enough..
It's hard to have faith.. maybe thats why they call it that..
When you know.. when you see.. when you feel what's in your mind's eye, and know what's in your heart, its tough to simply have patience.. especially when you know it's not up to you, & there's nothing you can, or should, do to help it. You just want to cannonball in and throw everything else aside.. fight the demons, slay the dragon, display outwardly what you know your soul is capable of..
but it's not about pride. or want. or what "i" want.
Its about having the strength to help them on their path, not clear it for them.
To be beside them when they're strong enough to ask.
Or simply want you to be.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Intent
Its been a while.. nothing really earth shattering has happened around here..
The job is still good, and they're increasing my territory.. they're now working on giving me a staff to eliminate a butt-load of travel that i'd have to do to maintain it.. i'm torn a bit, because its something i know i can do, but i take a lot of joy in "helping people" with their computers, not just fixing computers.. Amanda says "i'll always be doing what i love doing, no matter what that is"..
(which is a big part of the reason i'll always love that girl..)
My last visit to Pennsylvania i Booked a session with Maggie Salter: she's an intuitive and a friend of Amanda's. It was a good session: confirmed for me a lot i already knew, but needed to hear from someone else that "i'm not crazy" for following the path im on, & gave me some thoughts & ideas on what i really needed to do to keep myself centered and focused on my desires.. One word that struck me at this session was "intent"..
My entire life, i've done things with others best interests at heart, sacrificing my own desires for "the greater good".. this isn't necessarily a bad thing to me: i've always felt strong enough to withstand the resulting pain (if any), i've cultivated a strong sense of integrity, and its given me the fortitude to be "a rock" for those who needed it.. part of me says i've done this because the pull towards my desires in these cases was never strong enough to overwhelm the thoughts in my head that it was better not to pursue them. Maybe it was a lack of attachment to these desires.. maybe it was "the universe" telling me it wasn't meant to be, & it was in my best interest to step away..
The thing is, while i did these things, i knew in my head what i was doing, but looking into it from outside, it would seem like i was simply retreating, or giving up, or basically had no desire at all..
Or in English: the intent of my actions was never clear.
I realize that when you do something, its not always important for others to know why you're taking these actions.. Because if you *need* others to know, its basically just an ego stroke.. "hey lookit what i'm doing! i'm sacrificing for YOU! love me!" When the Ego gets involved, the intent of your actions can become a weapon, dealing pain, guilt and manipulation.
however.. there's also times when your intent really and truly needs to be known: especially when it comes to someone you love. Its tricky..
- my mom wants me to call her more often, mostly because I haven't. My Rationale for doing so has been to allow her time to do what she wants to do without being in the way.. my Intent is simply to allow her to "be" and enjoy time alone with Don, but not making this clear has hurt her because it seems like I've withdrawn from the family..
- in contrast, I spend time with Amanda's parents and call them monthly. My Intent is to keep in touch and enjoy their company when i can: they're great people.. but given the breakup with Amanda, it could also be seen as an attempt to continue contact "through the back door"
- i dont call Amanda as often as I want to... I feel it causes conflict in her new relationship, so my intent is to not provoke the instability i feel it would bring.. but she could see it as me simply not caring
Like a Sword of Truth, the intention of your actions determine the strength of the magic they will bring.. be clear in your intent and the results will be astounding...
LYA
The job is still good, and they're increasing my territory.. they're now working on giving me a staff to eliminate a butt-load of travel that i'd have to do to maintain it.. i'm torn a bit, because its something i know i can do, but i take a lot of joy in "helping people" with their computers, not just fixing computers.. Amanda says "i'll always be doing what i love doing, no matter what that is"..
(which is a big part of the reason i'll always love that girl..)
My last visit to Pennsylvania i Booked a session with Maggie Salter: she's an intuitive and a friend of Amanda's. It was a good session: confirmed for me a lot i already knew, but needed to hear from someone else that "i'm not crazy" for following the path im on, & gave me some thoughts & ideas on what i really needed to do to keep myself centered and focused on my desires.. One word that struck me at this session was "intent"..
My entire life, i've done things with others best interests at heart, sacrificing my own desires for "the greater good".. this isn't necessarily a bad thing to me: i've always felt strong enough to withstand the resulting pain (if any), i've cultivated a strong sense of integrity, and its given me the fortitude to be "a rock" for those who needed it.. part of me says i've done this because the pull towards my desires in these cases was never strong enough to overwhelm the thoughts in my head that it was better not to pursue them. Maybe it was a lack of attachment to these desires.. maybe it was "the universe" telling me it wasn't meant to be, & it was in my best interest to step away..
The thing is, while i did these things, i knew in my head what i was doing, but looking into it from outside, it would seem like i was simply retreating, or giving up, or basically had no desire at all..
Or in English: the intent of my actions was never clear.
I realize that when you do something, its not always important for others to know why you're taking these actions.. Because if you *need* others to know, its basically just an ego stroke.. "hey lookit what i'm doing! i'm sacrificing for YOU! love me!" When the Ego gets involved, the intent of your actions can become a weapon, dealing pain, guilt and manipulation.
however.. there's also times when your intent really and truly needs to be known: especially when it comes to someone you love. Its tricky..
- my mom wants me to call her more often, mostly because I haven't. My Rationale for doing so has been to allow her time to do what she wants to do without being in the way.. my Intent is simply to allow her to "be" and enjoy time alone with Don, but not making this clear has hurt her because it seems like I've withdrawn from the family..
- in contrast, I spend time with Amanda's parents and call them monthly. My Intent is to keep in touch and enjoy their company when i can: they're great people.. but given the breakup with Amanda, it could also be seen as an attempt to continue contact "through the back door"
- i dont call Amanda as often as I want to... I feel it causes conflict in her new relationship, so my intent is to not provoke the instability i feel it would bring.. but she could see it as me simply not caring
Like a Sword of Truth, the intention of your actions determine the strength of the magic they will bring.. be clear in your intent and the results will be astounding...
LYA
Monday, July 25, 2011
July 22: Met my Spirit Guide
today i slept in.. i always sleep in when i'm dreaming..
i don't *remember* the dream, but i do remember what came after..
i've always felt i had an issue with meditation: not being in the right mind state to just let it happen. which troubles me, because getting into a calm state really helps with accepting whatever messages come in.. lets start from scratch:
- i spent some time with Donna kiss, in april: a session to meet my spirit guide. all i got out of the session was a glowy ball of light, over a lake, some sparkles off the water. in this session, we were supposed to be able to ask them "who they are" and if they had any messages for me.. the answer i got was "you don't need to know", and "nope, no messages right now".. a little disappointing, but when talking to Donna about it, she said that was ok, and asked me what color(s) the ball were.. i said "white, with a tinge of blue".. she said it was a very powerful spirit, who was on the verge of crossing over.. scary, but i took this to mean my GBL (glowy ball of light) didnt want to give up too much because "he was helping", but he was going to be handing things off soon. Donna also said she saw another female image in my "scene".. (Amanda was in the scene i came up with..)
- i tried a guided meditation with Rosanna in April, same scene, same answers/result. it made me wonder if i was doing things right. still wasn't able to quiet my mind enough for it to feel "right"..
- i've been getting a lot of 13's and 113's this is supposed to be a sign that "whatever i'm thinking about, the ascended masters (we're talking Jesus, Mary M, Bhuda, past Lama's) are looking out for me & taking care of things.. "don't worry".. i'm almost always thinking of Amanda when a combination of these numbers show up. i've also been pulling the soulmate, & release and surrender cards lately: release & surrender means i need to stop worrying & give my fears to the Angels, because it's out of my hands: they're taking care of me..
- today i woke up to the Ipad (which somehow was on) playing Rosanna & i's first session, & it was back at the spot where she was doing this guided meditation in April.. so i just kept my eyes shut, 1/2 listened to the tape, but went back to the scene and asked again.. this time i got a name, a color, more sparkles on the water, and a message.
the name i got started with an A... it stuttered a bit, almost as if it was "me" who couldn't decide on which A name it was.. i finally got "Arial", but then got the feeling "no, Azreal".. The message i got was "don't worry", and the color i got (i asked in my mind what color was associated with him, expecting the blue that i got from my initial "meet & greet", but this time i got "yellow.. orange.. golden".. not seeing the colors, but hearing them..
so i said: "thank you, and thank you for keeping me on the path (both with amanda, and with keeping me on "my" path).
i got up and went to the archangel deck, because i was *really* curious to see if i'd finally cracked or not.. found one card related to him: comfort.. a word i've been using to confirm intuitive decisions, readings, etc.. (ie if i do a reading for someone, if it felt comforatable, then "i was doing it right"..) interesting..
immediately needed to pull some cards... shuffle them up, and the card reading was: Divine timing, Soulmate, Release and Surrender. holy shit.
looked up Azreal on the internet: he is the Archangel of Death (WHOA, says i.. but in this case Death means "Transitions".. and comforting those who pass on. one site says associated colors for Azreal are Silver and black, but another (which more depicts him as the archangel of transitions) has his colors as pale yellow, creamy vanilla, or eggshell. compassion and wisdom are some key words..
at this point i'm thinking "Giggity", 'cause it's kinda "me" too.
here's some background that kinda shook me a bit though.. " he has many names (ismael, Azrail, Izrail, etc) Azreal means "whom god helps", he's a twin flame of Jesus, and guiding influence & consort to mary Magdalene. 'Many doorways are open to you now. it is for you to choose which ones you wish to step through. You have had confirmation in many shapes and forms as these weeks and months have progressed. You have faith, more confidence in yourself, and more trust in your ability to make those decisions that are wise and appropriate for you now. So it is for you to make your choice about which door or doors you wish to step through. There is a wide vista of opportunitis spreading out before you, and only you will know the right direction to take. But you *will* know, for you will feel it within your heart; you will feel it within your soul; you will feel it within every fiber of your being when the steps that you take are leading you in the direction that is right for you at that time.
go with strength, go with confidence, and go with joy and our love. We are Azrael and Magdalena. (www.innerlightworkers.co.uk)
so.. wow..
all of this.. all of the crazyness, the un mistakable beliefe, the things ive done and started to believe in have all been about transitioning into something better.. chrysalis to butterfly? so it makes sense that an angel thike Azreal would be helping me out.. i guess the real troubling part is that i know who its with. not a doubt in my mind. but its still tough to give it completely over to them, even though it should be easier..
when you believe in something so much, its hard to wait. but it ain't about me. i'm ready, she's not.. and therin lies the key to divine timing.
but i got some big guns rooting for us.. :O)
lya
i don't *remember* the dream, but i do remember what came after..
i've always felt i had an issue with meditation: not being in the right mind state to just let it happen. which troubles me, because getting into a calm state really helps with accepting whatever messages come in.. lets start from scratch:
- i spent some time with Donna kiss, in april: a session to meet my spirit guide. all i got out of the session was a glowy ball of light, over a lake, some sparkles off the water. in this session, we were supposed to be able to ask them "who they are" and if they had any messages for me.. the answer i got was "you don't need to know", and "nope, no messages right now".. a little disappointing, but when talking to Donna about it, she said that was ok, and asked me what color(s) the ball were.. i said "white, with a tinge of blue".. she said it was a very powerful spirit, who was on the verge of crossing over.. scary, but i took this to mean my GBL (glowy ball of light) didnt want to give up too much because "he was helping", but he was going to be handing things off soon. Donna also said she saw another female image in my "scene".. (Amanda was in the scene i came up with..)
- i tried a guided meditation with Rosanna in April, same scene, same answers/result. it made me wonder if i was doing things right. still wasn't able to quiet my mind enough for it to feel "right"..
- i've been getting a lot of 13's and 113's this is supposed to be a sign that "whatever i'm thinking about, the ascended masters (we're talking Jesus, Mary M, Bhuda, past Lama's) are looking out for me & taking care of things.. "don't worry".. i'm almost always thinking of Amanda when a combination of these numbers show up. i've also been pulling the soulmate, & release and surrender cards lately: release & surrender means i need to stop worrying & give my fears to the Angels, because it's out of my hands: they're taking care of me..
- today i woke up to the Ipad (which somehow was on) playing Rosanna & i's first session, & it was back at the spot where she was doing this guided meditation in April.. so i just kept my eyes shut, 1/2 listened to the tape, but went back to the scene and asked again.. this time i got a name, a color, more sparkles on the water, and a message.
the name i got started with an A... it stuttered a bit, almost as if it was "me" who couldn't decide on which A name it was.. i finally got "Arial", but then got the feeling "no, Azreal".. The message i got was "don't worry", and the color i got (i asked in my mind what color was associated with him, expecting the blue that i got from my initial "meet & greet", but this time i got "yellow.. orange.. golden".. not seeing the colors, but hearing them..
so i said: "thank you, and thank you for keeping me on the path (both with amanda, and with keeping me on "my" path).
i got up and went to the archangel deck, because i was *really* curious to see if i'd finally cracked or not.. found one card related to him: comfort.. a word i've been using to confirm intuitive decisions, readings, etc.. (ie if i do a reading for someone, if it felt comforatable, then "i was doing it right"..) interesting..
immediately needed to pull some cards... shuffle them up, and the card reading was: Divine timing, Soulmate, Release and Surrender. holy shit.
looked up Azreal on the internet: he is the Archangel of Death (WHOA, says i.. but in this case Death means "Transitions".. and comforting those who pass on. one site says associated colors for Azreal are Silver and black, but another (which more depicts him as the archangel of transitions) has his colors as pale yellow, creamy vanilla, or eggshell. compassion and wisdom are some key words..
at this point i'm thinking "Giggity", 'cause it's kinda "me" too.
here's some background that kinda shook me a bit though.. " he has many names (ismael, Azrail, Izrail, etc) Azreal means "whom god helps", he's a twin flame of Jesus, and guiding influence & consort to mary Magdalene. 'Many doorways are open to you now. it is for you to choose which ones you wish to step through. You have had confirmation in many shapes and forms as these weeks and months have progressed. You have faith, more confidence in yourself, and more trust in your ability to make those decisions that are wise and appropriate for you now. So it is for you to make your choice about which door or doors you wish to step through. There is a wide vista of opportunitis spreading out before you, and only you will know the right direction to take. But you *will* know, for you will feel it within your heart; you will feel it within your soul; you will feel it within every fiber of your being when the steps that you take are leading you in the direction that is right for you at that time.
go with strength, go with confidence, and go with joy and our love. We are Azrael and Magdalena. (www.innerlightworkers.co.uk)
so.. wow..
all of this.. all of the crazyness, the un mistakable beliefe, the things ive done and started to believe in have all been about transitioning into something better.. chrysalis to butterfly? so it makes sense that an angel thike Azreal would be helping me out.. i guess the real troubling part is that i know who its with. not a doubt in my mind. but its still tough to give it completely over to them, even though it should be easier..
when you believe in something so much, its hard to wait. but it ain't about me. i'm ready, she's not.. and therin lies the key to divine timing.
but i got some big guns rooting for us.. :O)
lya
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Rewiring your brain (or, " Who the F* am *I*?!?)
In my industry, knowledge is king..
I'm a tech guy.. and in the tech business, it's *rare* that criticism, is accepted as "constructive".. rarer still to be able to offer it without someone getting completely defensive about it.. its almost as if any advice is considered an attack.. i believe this is because we're sometimes afraid that if we admit to say "we're wrong", or " i hadn't thought of that", it admits defeat or weakness. In a sense, we could loose our jobs if we are wrong..
Welp, real life is sometimes like this.. you have to be willing to accept constructive criticism, *without fear*, if you want to be happy. But it go's deeper than that..
There's a lot of people who are out there that don't feel deserving of love, or feel unworthy, or somehow there's something lacking within them to be able to accept the love or advice they are being offered (good or bad).. it's like "you love me? why? what did i do?"
Its almost as if people feel a *need* to be defensive . There's a lot to be said for the idea that we bring upon ourselves enough feelings of "unworthyness" that any external influence is just piling on more crap we don't need.. so being defensive is only natural..
*but*, here's the thing..
Whats wrong with loving yourself enough to accept the criticism? There's absolutely *nothing* wrong with accepting it, then later saying the criticism is complete bullshit. But becoming immediately defensive about it just exhibits a fear that you're unworthy or not good enough.
So there's where you need to rewire your brain..
You *are* awesome, and you *are* worthy of the love others give you.. you are also strong enough to withstand criticism, and accept it for what it really is.. a chance to reaffirm and reexamine how awesome you are.
Loving yourself and really accepting yourself in general is the key to a lot of things. Your life suddenly gets better, fewer bad things happen, and when they do, "hey, whaddaya know" they're confident enough in themselves to handle it.
Go and watch "She's out of my League".. a corny, crude movie where the premise is "perfect 10 falls in love with a hard 5". Through the crap (sometimes hilarious crap), the real message was that she fell for him because he was a 10: the 5 just needed to love himself enough to *be* the 10..
You're a 10.. love yourself enough to be it..
I'm a tech guy.. and in the tech business, it's *rare* that criticism, is accepted as "constructive".. rarer still to be able to offer it without someone getting completely defensive about it.. its almost as if any advice is considered an attack.. i believe this is because we're sometimes afraid that if we admit to say "we're wrong", or " i hadn't thought of that", it admits defeat or weakness. In a sense, we could loose our jobs if we are wrong..
Welp, real life is sometimes like this.. you have to be willing to accept constructive criticism, *without fear*, if you want to be happy. But it go's deeper than that..
There's a lot of people who are out there that don't feel deserving of love, or feel unworthy, or somehow there's something lacking within them to be able to accept the love or advice they are being offered (good or bad).. it's like "you love me? why? what did i do?"
Its almost as if people feel a *need* to be defensive . There's a lot to be said for the idea that we bring upon ourselves enough feelings of "unworthyness" that any external influence is just piling on more crap we don't need.. so being defensive is only natural..
*but*, here's the thing..
Whats wrong with loving yourself enough to accept the criticism? There's absolutely *nothing* wrong with accepting it, then later saying the criticism is complete bullshit. But becoming immediately defensive about it just exhibits a fear that you're unworthy or not good enough.
So there's where you need to rewire your brain..
You *are* awesome, and you *are* worthy of the love others give you.. you are also strong enough to withstand criticism, and accept it for what it really is.. a chance to reaffirm and reexamine how awesome you are.
Loving yourself and really accepting yourself in general is the key to a lot of things. Your life suddenly gets better, fewer bad things happen, and when they do, "hey, whaddaya know" they're confident enough in themselves to handle it.
Go and watch "She's out of my League".. a corny, crude movie where the premise is "perfect 10 falls in love with a hard 5". Through the crap (sometimes hilarious crap), the real message was that she fell for him because he was a 10: the 5 just needed to love himself enough to *be* the 10..
You're a 10.. love yourself enough to be it..
Friday, May 20, 2011
Faith and accepting fate
not sure what to post tonight.. just that "i gotta"..
i spent the last weekend Larping, reconnecting with the ex, and helping people who needed it.. its what i do, and i am great at it.. insofar as helping people realize what it is that they already know.. it's great being the "little reminder" that people need to get back in touch wth them ownselves..
but i digress..
this last weekend was phenominal for me.. spiritually and otherwise..
let me start at the beginning..
for the last month, i've been getting feelings.. seeing signs, and noticing a lot of "i should be doing-ness" stuff..
i've been going to Rosanna to help unlock my block insofar as accepting my spirituality.. not anything bizarre, jut really believing in the feelings that i get and following my heart..
last month, i've been getting hit hard with "13's" .. i'll be driving somwehere and thinking "i miss her", and a 13 will pop up out of the blue.. it'll be 13 degrees out, or 13 km to the next town, or 1;13 in the afternoon (13:13)..
to me, this is a sign of my ex girlfriend and soulmate; her favorite number is 13.. but it turns out that it's also a sign of angel ascendeds, which is really cool because it's nice to know that someone like mary magdelena is looking at whatever situation you've got and saying "yeah, that should work out.."..
so, 13's keep popping up.. i'm asking myself, "self, what's going on.. i know *I* believe it's related to my Ex....(and it is really.. keep reading..)."
so my mentor and spirit guide, in a totally unrelated session, says "think of a question you need to ask, and pull cards till you feel it's right".. so i go with it..
the number i think of is originally 3, then @ the last moment i think "1".. and i pull 1 card..
as per my post for the 13th, it's the harmony card..
this is interesting, because the question i asked was: should i go to this LARPing session in new york.. because it ment the distinct possibility of running into my Ex, and her current squeeze.. i wanted to go, but i don't want to screw up whatever she has going on..
anyhoo.. you're supposed to not just take the card at it's "face value".. you need to look at the imagery and see what it means to you.. because this is truly the connection between you and the spirits looking out for you.. messages are everywhere..
i look at the card: it has a blue bit at the bottom, and a lot of trees.. this represents a forrested area with a lake/pond, which i took to mean "Crossroads", the Larping place i was asking if i should go to.. they have a spot like this, and i remember it vividly as a place i totally felt at peace in..
the other aspect of the card is the halo/bright light around the angel's head.. meeting my "spirit guide" garnered an image of "GBL", my "glowy ball of light".. it refuses to let me know "why me", but i've just accepted it as my symbol into the spiritual world.. It's looking out for me, but it's temporary till its done with me and i move on to the next one..
the last aspect of the card was the angel with the fiddle.... i always used to call my ex "angel".. and she had a pentient, after we broke up, to learn the fiddle.. (and i hear she's doing awesome at it)
the angel with the fiddle clinched it.. the 13s were a sign that i needed to go down there.. she was calling to me.. if for no other reason than just to say "hi", maybe give her a hug, and let her know that "i'm still there for her".. but the angel with the fiddle was a definate sign to me that i had to be there.. i booked a flight that day.
as it turns out.. when all this was going down in my mind (say, late april), she had this rabid desire to talk to me.. no phone call, not by text, face to face..
she called and i heard it.. just like when we would text each other @ the exact same moment when we were together; just like when i would think of her and she would shudder, knowing it was me.. we have a connection, her and i.. something that ascends mere labels... this weekend, and the *fact* that i came when she called, clinched it for me.
we're connected. and i need no other proof of it. whatever she needs of me, she's got it: regardless of our status as a couple or not..
i still see us growing old together.. and in that vision, i look to my right, and she's *with* me, her hand in mine.. and smiling that world-stopping smile of hers..
that hasn't changed since we broke up, and the image is just as strong as it was 7 months ago.. but just like 7 months ago, i know in my heart "she needs to do something, and i can't be a part of it".. so all i can be is supportive..
i also know in my heart she knows that..
that's my story. This event has bolstered my faith in her, and in my spirituality.. what it means to "us".. whatever we will be, it will be strong.
But insofar as my faith, gentle readers: its reinforced this... trust your gut, because it truly will lead you where you need to go. The signs will just reinforce it, like they have with me.. your gut and your heart are one..
i spent the last weekend Larping, reconnecting with the ex, and helping people who needed it.. its what i do, and i am great at it.. insofar as helping people realize what it is that they already know.. it's great being the "little reminder" that people need to get back in touch wth them ownselves..
but i digress..
this last weekend was phenominal for me.. spiritually and otherwise..
let me start at the beginning..
for the last month, i've been getting feelings.. seeing signs, and noticing a lot of "i should be doing-ness" stuff..
i've been going to Rosanna to help unlock my block insofar as accepting my spirituality.. not anything bizarre, jut really believing in the feelings that i get and following my heart..
last month, i've been getting hit hard with "13's" .. i'll be driving somwehere and thinking "i miss her", and a 13 will pop up out of the blue.. it'll be 13 degrees out, or 13 km to the next town, or 1;13 in the afternoon (13:13)..
to me, this is a sign of my ex girlfriend and soulmate; her favorite number is 13.. but it turns out that it's also a sign of angel ascendeds, which is really cool because it's nice to know that someone like mary magdelena is looking at whatever situation you've got and saying "yeah, that should work out.."..
so, 13's keep popping up.. i'm asking myself, "self, what's going on.. i know *I* believe it's related to my Ex....(and it is really.. keep reading..)."
so my mentor and spirit guide, in a totally unrelated session, says "think of a question you need to ask, and pull cards till you feel it's right".. so i go with it..
the number i think of is originally 3, then @ the last moment i think "1".. and i pull 1 card..
as per my post for the 13th, it's the harmony card..
this is interesting, because the question i asked was: should i go to this LARPing session in new york.. because it ment the distinct possibility of running into my Ex, and her current squeeze.. i wanted to go, but i don't want to screw up whatever she has going on..
anyhoo.. you're supposed to not just take the card at it's "face value".. you need to look at the imagery and see what it means to you.. because this is truly the connection between you and the spirits looking out for you.. messages are everywhere..
i look at the card: it has a blue bit at the bottom, and a lot of trees.. this represents a forrested area with a lake/pond, which i took to mean "Crossroads", the Larping place i was asking if i should go to.. they have a spot like this, and i remember it vividly as a place i totally felt at peace in..
the other aspect of the card is the halo/bright light around the angel's head.. meeting my "spirit guide" garnered an image of "GBL", my "glowy ball of light".. it refuses to let me know "why me", but i've just accepted it as my symbol into the spiritual world.. It's looking out for me, but it's temporary till its done with me and i move on to the next one..
the last aspect of the card was the angel with the fiddle.... i always used to call my ex "angel".. and she had a pentient, after we broke up, to learn the fiddle.. (and i hear she's doing awesome at it)
the angel with the fiddle clinched it.. the 13s were a sign that i needed to go down there.. she was calling to me.. if for no other reason than just to say "hi", maybe give her a hug, and let her know that "i'm still there for her".. but the angel with the fiddle was a definate sign to me that i had to be there.. i booked a flight that day.
as it turns out.. when all this was going down in my mind (say, late april), she had this rabid desire to talk to me.. no phone call, not by text, face to face..
she called and i heard it.. just like when we would text each other @ the exact same moment when we were together; just like when i would think of her and she would shudder, knowing it was me.. we have a connection, her and i.. something that ascends mere labels... this weekend, and the *fact* that i came when she called, clinched it for me.
we're connected. and i need no other proof of it. whatever she needs of me, she's got it: regardless of our status as a couple or not..
i still see us growing old together.. and in that vision, i look to my right, and she's *with* me, her hand in mine.. and smiling that world-stopping smile of hers..
that hasn't changed since we broke up, and the image is just as strong as it was 7 months ago.. but just like 7 months ago, i know in my heart "she needs to do something, and i can't be a part of it".. so all i can be is supportive..
i also know in my heart she knows that..
that's my story. This event has bolstered my faith in her, and in my spirituality.. what it means to "us".. whatever we will be, it will be strong.
But insofar as my faith, gentle readers: its reinforced this... trust your gut, because it truly will lead you where you need to go. The signs will just reinforce it, like they have with me.. your gut and your heart are one..
Monday, May 9, 2011
Advice and the Art of Saving the World
I'm the go-to guy..
The "rock solid"..
The "voice of reason"
I have never shyed away from giving advice. I have an opinion on a lot of things, done a lot of stuff, but i'm not vocal about it (barring something that is *really* pissing me off..) What i've always found odd is how many are drawn to me to get it.
Lemmie 'splain..
Some of my fondest, deepest, most cherished friends will have issues.. need advice.. sometimes a (verbal) kick in the ass. It go's without saying that these people would approach me: they're my friends.. and that's what you do when you are a friend.. you invest yourself in an empatetic, sympathetic manor to get them through whatever ails them, be it brutally honest opinion, white lies, a kind word, or a smack upside the head.
In my case, it's also strangers.. passing acquaintances, people i barely know, who open themselves up to me.. intimate details about their relationships, advise regarding their career, *sexual issues* (NB: it's the little, awkward moments in your life that truly bring you joy.. ~cherish these~)
I don't know exactly why people come to me.. Maybe there's something about me that causes them to gravitate my way.. Maybe i'm simply the closest warm body who'll listen; maybe i'm the "divested stranger" they need: an untainted view because i don't know the actors in the play..
I like to think it's all of these.. mostly, it's my *EGO* that likes to think it's all of these, because of the simple fact that out of everyone, these people chose 'me' to open up to.. there's a lot of humble-nobility and satisfaction in this little ego trip.. because, for the most part, people are doing it because they have taken a chance in confide their trust to you.. Sometimes i would text my ex (a therapist) during work hours, simply asking her "whatcha doing hun? saving the world?" she'd almost without fail reply: "absolutely :-)", fully understanding how close to the truth this actually was..
The thing is, people have given you their trust, and you have an obligation to honor and respect that trust, no mater how familiar, distal, or awkward it can be in the asking (or the answering)... but the key to honoring it is that advice isn't necessarily about the advice, or expert opinion, or expertise: it's about listening.. And in the listening is sometimes all it requires to actually save someone's world...
Its a calling, i think.. i'm good at it, i embrace it, and i truly relish in being "that guy".. especially when it comes to simply "being there" for those who need it.. mostly friends, family and loved one's, but anyone's welcome really.. still don't know why they gravitate to me, but whatever the reason pales in comparison to what i can give them for doing it..
So, hats off to you therapists, advisors, and go-to people..
my kin...
Love and respect.
lua
The "rock solid"..
The "voice of reason"
I have never shyed away from giving advice. I have an opinion on a lot of things, done a lot of stuff, but i'm not vocal about it (barring something that is *really* pissing me off..) What i've always found odd is how many are drawn to me to get it.
Lemmie 'splain..
Some of my fondest, deepest, most cherished friends will have issues.. need advice.. sometimes a (verbal) kick in the ass. It go's without saying that these people would approach me: they're my friends.. and that's what you do when you are a friend.. you invest yourself in an empatetic, sympathetic manor to get them through whatever ails them, be it brutally honest opinion, white lies, a kind word, or a smack upside the head.
In my case, it's also strangers.. passing acquaintances, people i barely know, who open themselves up to me.. intimate details about their relationships, advise regarding their career, *sexual issues* (NB: it's the little, awkward moments in your life that truly bring you joy.. ~cherish these~)
I don't know exactly why people come to me.. Maybe there's something about me that causes them to gravitate my way.. Maybe i'm simply the closest warm body who'll listen; maybe i'm the "divested stranger" they need: an untainted view because i don't know the actors in the play..
I like to think it's all of these.. mostly, it's my *EGO* that likes to think it's all of these, because of the simple fact that out of everyone, these people chose 'me' to open up to.. there's a lot of humble-nobility and satisfaction in this little ego trip.. because, for the most part, people are doing it because they have taken a chance in confide their trust to you.. Sometimes i would text my ex (a therapist) during work hours, simply asking her "whatcha doing hun? saving the world?" she'd almost without fail reply: "absolutely :-)", fully understanding how close to the truth this actually was..
The thing is, people have given you their trust, and you have an obligation to honor and respect that trust, no mater how familiar, distal, or awkward it can be in the asking (or the answering)... but the key to honoring it is that advice isn't necessarily about the advice, or expert opinion, or expertise: it's about listening.. And in the listening is sometimes all it requires to actually save someone's world...
Its a calling, i think.. i'm good at it, i embrace it, and i truly relish in being "that guy".. especially when it comes to simply "being there" for those who need it.. mostly friends, family and loved one's, but anyone's welcome really.. still don't know why they gravitate to me, but whatever the reason pales in comparison to what i can give them for doing it..
So, hats off to you therapists, advisors, and go-to people..
my kin...
Love and respect.
lua
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